Some needed sunshine

Dalin doesn't go to school on Wednesdays. Rob and Cameron have been in North Dakota since Saturday, and I have been playing single mom. I do not envy those of you who do it on a regular basis. Anyways, I needed some sunshine (it was an unseasonably warm day -- 65 degrees). So I took Dalin to the park. Dalin immediately headed for the swings. He loves to swing! There is a glider-type swing there and he can work it himself. He was on that swing for almost 45 minutes. He was vocally stimming the whole time. There were a few kids at the park. Dalin got some annoyed looks, but he didn't notice (so I tried not to take notice either). He was having a great time! I watched as the other children at the park played together and momentarily wished that Dalin would break away from his swing and go and play with them. But that was my want, not his. He is happy to be doing his own thing. And so I tell myself that as long as he is happy, that is all that matters. When he eventually got off the swing he went and played on the slide. He gathered up a bunch of pinecones and carried them to the top and then threw them down the slide. He sat and laughed and then went down the slide after them. Then he gathered them up again and headed to the top of the slide to start the process all over. I lost count after a half-dozen times of this ritual. I can't believe the things that entertain that child. I wish I could be entertained so easily. When he finally got bored, he headed back for the swings. This time though he got on a regular swing. Dalin hasn't figured out how to pump. We have tried to teach him but he gets too impatient. So, he yelled, "Mom, come push!" I was glad to realize that he noticed that I was still there. Sometimes I think he forgets about me and the rest of the world around him. Anyways, I went over and pushed him for a while – from the front, not the behind, so I could see his face and he could see mine. I asked him questions to get him to focus on me. He answered less than half and not all were coherent, but I was grateful for the few I understood. I think he would have stayed on the swing longer if it had not been for my pestering questions. Dalin tires quickly of idle chit-chat ;). He was soon ready to head for home -- he said he was hungry and needed a snack. As I loaded him in the truck I noticed sand around his mouth. I realized that he had already had a healthy helping of sand. I've given up on trying to keep him from putting the sand in his mouth. It is a regular occurrence when we go to the park. I figure if it hasn't killed him yet... Plus, as the saying goes, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. I really have a lot to learn from him.

Second Chances

I tried to go to bed early tonight. I have been so exhausted all week. Rob and Cameron left yesterday morning to go pheasant hunting in North Dakota. They went with my in-laws (the men anyways). I was scrambling to have my house clean for their arrival and overnight stay (they arrived Friday afternoon). I am not the best housekeeper, but my mother-in-law’s and sister-in-law’s homes are both immaculately clean. I don’t know why I always feel I need to “measure up”. Although my house is cluttered, it is sanitary and I tell myself that time with my kids is better spent than time cleaning house. Anyways, for some reason I practically kill myself trying to clean up in preparation for their arrival. And the sad part is that my house still doesn’t ever get clean enough to really “measure up”. Sometimes I think I could spend a whole month doing nothing but cleaning my house, and I would still not be able to get rid of all the clutter.

I’m regressing. So my kids are in bed, and I thought I'd do the same. But sleep is/was evading me. Sometimes it seems no matter how exhausted my body is I can’t get my brain to turn off. And tonight has been one of those nights. I had an experience at church today that keeps replaying in my mind. I hadn’t planned on sharing. But I’m convinced I will never get to sleep until I get it out, so here goes……

It all began 5 weeks ago. It was the Sunday before the Primary Program. It was our first real walk-through. We had practiced the songs and sent the parts home with the kids, but had not had the kids practice their parts yet in church. I swear the parents had all given their kids a dose of caffeine that morning. Then 5 of my primary teachers did not show up for primary (some didn’t come to church at all and others left right after sacrament meeting). I guess they felt that since we weren’t having class (we were practice for the full 2 hours) they didn’t need to be there. Anyways, the adults were seriously outnumbered, and I was feeling overwhelmed. Not too far into the practice I noticed a young boy sitting at the back. He was a visitor, but I recognized him. He had been at a baptism the night before. He was making some loud incoherent noises. "He has Autism," my slow brain was registering. I realized that it had gotten quiet around me. I glanced down to see that in the process of my preoccupation, I had halted the program. All the kids and teachers were looking at me very confused. I tried to relocate my place and get things going again, but I kept finding myself very distracted by this boy and his continued vocalizations. His “stimming” continued throughout the rest of the practice. I am not sure if it really got louder or not, but I can say that in my mind it did. At one point the senior primary came up to the front to sing. He came with them. He tripped over something and came crashing into me. He started to cry. I couldn’t handle it. I felt like I was in a bad dream. Maybe I was having a panic attack, I don’t know. I felt like bolting out of the room. I asked for someone to take him to his parents. He cried even louder and said he didn’t want to leave. I remember feeling a sense of dread. I didn’t want him there anymore. I just wanted someone to take him away. Luckily, one of the Valiant teachers came to my rescue and took him back to his seat and comforted him.

Needless to say that I went home from church that day feeling very sick inside. I had just come face to face with my own son in a much larger body, and I couldn’t handle it. I freaked out! I did what I have always hoped would not ever happen to my son. I reacted to him with fear. I spent all afternoon obsessing, wondering if that really was how Dalin was going to be when he was 10. I kept wondering how I would be able to handle it. I kept thinking what a horrible mother and Primary President I was. I kept thinking about how disappointed God must be with me for the way I treated his child (even if most of it was in my mind). In general I’m not a crier. I was raised with brothers who would mock even a single tear, so I learned to hide my emotions (well, at least crying -- anger is another story). But I must admit I shed plenty of tears the night. Tears of regret for the day’s events and tears of fear for the future of my son.

Days passed and I slowly pushed it all to the back of my mind. Being a very busy person has its pros. One of them being that there is not a lot of time to think, because it takes all my brainpower to get the day's tasks accomplished. So, I had forgotten about our visitor. That is, until today. I was late getting to church. I woke up with a head cold, so I stayed in bed and skipped out on Sacrament meeting. At the break between Sunday school and RS & Priesthood, I went looking for the Bishop. I needed to talk to him about some changes that were being made to the primary. I walked into the chapel where opening exercises for Priesthood is held and there he was -- sitting next to his dad, smiling at me. I was caught off guard at first. But then I heard the spirit tell me that this was my second chance, and to do it right this time. I walked over to him and gave him my biggest smile. I told him how excited I was to see him back at church. I asked his dad if they were visiting. He said no, that they actually lived in our ward, but lived in a town 40 miles away, so it was difficult to make it to church. I learned that this precious boy’s name is Daniel. He held my hand the whole time I talked to him and his dad. At one point he took my hand and pressed it against his cheek. When he did it, the greatest feeling of love came over me. The spirit testified that Daniel is a beloved son of God. I knew in that moment that God had forgiven me and had given me a second chance. He was also teaching me. As my spirit recognized Daniel's, I understood that although he has physical limitations his spirit is greater than I can comprehend. It was an amazing and very humbling experience. I am grateful for a Father who continues to put his trust in me, even when I continue to falter, so that I may learn from my short-comings. God bless me to always remember the feelings of this day.

Well, I am going to bed now. I think I might actually be able to finally get some sleep :)

Come What May, and Love It

I hate to admit that I did not watch or listen to LDS General Conference this month. Living in a small town, we do not get the broadcast (mainly because we do not subscribe to cable or satellite TV). We can listen to it on the internet, and have during past conferences. But this year Rob had both Saturday and Sunday off work. And we didn't have the chance to get away for our 10 year anniversary in August. So we took an overnight trip out of town. We ordered the DVD's but they haven't come yet. Neither has the Ensign's conference edition. We downloaded all the conference talks on our iPod, but Rob is traveling and took it with him. I started reading some of the talks online, but have been so busy I haven't made it through many of them. Needless to say, I am just now uncovering some many needed words of comfort and admonishment that apply directly to my life. I read Joseph B. Wirthlin's talk today (thanks Kim for recommending it). It is titled, "Come What May, and Love It". The theme of his talk is: "The way we react to adversity can be a major factor in how happy and successful we can be in life." He says, "Over the years I have learned a few things that have helped me through times of testing and trial." I decided to take each of these concepts and apply them to my own life and learning. Here is what I uncovered:

1. Learn to Laugh. This is a concept that I used to really struggle with (and sometimes still do). I was a pretty serious and contemplative child. I don't remember spending much time laughing in my youth. I remember my mother telling me I needed to smile more. I remember telling her I didn't feel like smiling. She always told me if I forced my smile long enough it would eventually come naturally. The problem was, that in my attempts all I ever achieved was to (as Bro. Wirthlin puts it) “smother unpleasant truths beneath a cloak of pretended happiness.” I tried to appear happy on the outside, even though I felt like I was constantly crying on the inside. It took going through a divorce for me to really understand the concept of laughing it off. I realized that if I could not only smile or laugh when I felt bad about things, but truly make that smile or laugh a reality (by either thinking positively or humorously about the situation), that my life would be blessed by it. One of my favorite quotes is, "Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face." And being an expert on Winter (in Wyoming, it lasts as long as all the other seasons put together), I try to soak up all the sun I can get.

2. Seek for the Eternal. It is hard to not get caught up in the moment. Especially when the moment is so discouraging and/or painful. I must admit there have been too many times in my life when I have wondered, “Why me?” Yes, I was once a party girl - pity party that is. I finally hit the point where I could truly humble myself and pray. His answer? Well, first I recognized that some of my trials had been brought upon myself through foolish decisions that I and others around me had made. The rest were Heavenly Father’s way of refining my spirit. I confess that there are times when I tell the Lord I am tired of the refining process, and could use a break. But then he reminds me that my ways are not his ways, and that he has an eternal perspective whereas mine is not. I wish I were more humble, and not so stubborn, so that perhaps the refiners fire would not feel so hot at times.

3. The Principle of Compensation . I love this principle! I had no concept of this principle when I was young and always struggled to understand how God could be a fair God if everyone had different trials in this life. I was always comparing my trials to others and others trials to everyone elses. (My husband calls it score-keeping & he is very good at calling me on it when he sees me slip into my old ways). Anyways, it was again as I was going through my divorce that I starting to gain the understanding of the principle of compensation. As Joseph Wirthlin states, “The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss.” So then it makes sense that those who have more loss in their lives, and endure it faithfully will receive a greater compensation. I must admit though that if someone gave me the choice ahead of time, I would probably pick the easier path with less compensation. But that is due to my mortal weakness (and boy do I have lots of it). Now, when I am going through a difficult trial, I try to reflect on the glory of God’s mercy, his love and the principle of compensation.

4. Trust in the Father Some of my favorite quotes have to do with trusting our Father in Heaven. A few of them hang on the wall in my living room to help me remember (I need all the reminders I can get). The first is “Thank God for What You Have. Trust God for What You Need.” I’m not sure who said it, but I know they were speaking to me. I constantly struggle to put faith in God for the things I need. As I have said before, I am very stubborn. I am also somewhat of a control freak. If there is a problem, I want to tackle it head-on. Find a solution and take care of it. I have such a hard time when there isn’t a solution, at least not a temporal one. I am sure everything has a spiritual solution, but that usually means that I have to turn it over to God, and I struggle with that. Because that means waiting for him to work it out. And his timeline is not the same as mine. And so waiting takes patience. And patience is not one of my strong points. Another of my favorite quotes is by Abraham Lincoln. He said, “I have been driven many times upon my knees by the over-whelming conviction that I had no where else to go.” Over-whelmed is a word I know well. I wish I was a stronger person (spiritually). I find myself on my knees often asking for help, guidance and forgiveness. I find the temple to be a place of solace for me. It is a place of peace and a place where I can remember that I am Heavenly Father’s child, that he loves me and wants the best for me. It is the place where I most frequently rekindle my trust in Him.

I am grateful for Elder Wirthlin’s inspired counsel. For his reference to his grandson with Autism. For his love of the gospel and the Savior. But especially for the example of loving life, even in times of hardship and trial.

Epiphany

The following thoughts came to me after re-reading my most recent post:
It is very hard not to get overwhelmed by the present and to not worry about the future. The only way to remain positive is to just deal with Today. Ironically, Dalin is the best example on how to take things one day at a time. One of the gifts of his Autism is that he is always “in the moment”. Fifteen minutes ago is already forgotten. An hour from now is not even on his radar. He does not regret, and he does not worry. He is just happy to be jumping up and down (and breaking my things). Maybe he is trying to teach me that things are not what's important, that people are. Maybe his understanding of love is greater than I thought. Boy, I have a lot to learn! All this time I have worried about how to teach my son, and just maybe the reality is that God sent Dalin to teach me.

Search and Destroy

So I have been having a good week with Dalin. He has been in a surprisingly good mood most of the week. He's been pretty cooperative every morning getting ready for school and has overall just been a content child. Dalin goes to school 4 days a week. He is in school in the morning and afternoon and comes home for about an hour for lunch. Today when he came home for lunch he ate some yogurt and a grilled cheese sandwich. Then he took off to play (or so I thought, although maybe if I really looked closer perhaps it was play to him). Anyways, I was cleaning up from lunch when I heard crashing. Dalin and crashing are not a good combination. I ran into the living room to find that Dalin had taken three of Rob's porcelain collectors’ item figurines from the 2002 Winter Olympics and thrown them on the floor, breaking them into pieces. Rob had actually just pulled them out the night before. They had been in storage because for the longest time we didn't trust Dal with anything breakable. But I collect WillowTree figurines and have them displayed in my living room. Dalin has pretty much left them alone, so Rob felt like he could finally pull his out and put them on display. I guess we were wrong. The most frustrating part is trying to understand why Dalin does it. He was not angry at the time. In fact it almost seems that when he is destructive like that he is void of feeling. I don't know how to explain it. I told him what he did was not nice and put him in time out. He just gave me a blank look and asked for his "Gigi". My son still has a binky (pacifier, w/e you call it). He doesn't use it a lot, but uses it for comfort. I wouldn't let him have it. So he sat and bawled. Gave me the look like I was the meanest mom on the planet. Maybe I should've just given it to him, but I felt like I couldn't reward him with his binky when he was in trouble. So I let him sit and cry until the bus came (which was only 5 minutes). Sometimes I wonder if we will ever be able to own anything of value without constantly worrying that he will ruin it. He has ruined so many DVDs, glass objects, and things of importance to us. I call it "Search and Destroy". It's almost like a game. He searches out items of value that are breakable and then CRASH! Again, in a way though, I have become numb to it. Last week it was a lamp (glass everywhere), the week before that some Halloween decorations. I think if Rob had been here he would have been disappointed that I hadn't been harsher on Dalin. But what is the point?! Punishment never works on him. It doesn't change his behavior. We have tried time-outs, spanking, making him clean up the mess, taking favorite toys away -- you name it and we've tried it. But none of it has been effective on changing behavior. It's like he doesn't understand that it is a consequence for bad behavior. I'll try to have a conversation with him about it, but I may as well be talking to a brick wall. The thing that works best is redirection -- getting his attention on something else. But that is really only effective in the short-term. Because he eventually goes back to the bad behavior. I've taken so many parenting classes -- Love & Logic for one. But how do you use Love & Logic on a child who has no comprehension of either. Autistic children lack logic. I am lucky that my son shows affection, many Autistic children don’t. Rob told me he read an article written by Jenny McCarthy about how her Autistic son had a huge breakthrough and hugged her and how she wonders if it will ever happen again. Dalin will hug us and kiss us, but I don’t think he understands love. It is too much of a social concept and Dalin lacks any social sense. So.... Love & Logic is out the door. If anyone who happens to read this knows of a great book out there, one that actually has proven methods of how to effectively discipline an Autistic child, that ultimately results in changed behavior, I'd love to read it! I need all the help I can get!

Just some thoughts

Last night was a busy night. I am up for re-election for school board. I keep wondering why I am running again when it takes up so much of my time. But I feel that I am making a difference in the lives of my kids (and my friends’ kids) and so I guess I am signing up for another 4 years. Anyways, last night a forum was held for all the candidates. People from the community had the opportunity to come and ask questions. This morning I grabbed my small town newspaper to read while eating breakfast, and saw my own face staring back at me. There it was -- my picture on the front page. I was in the middle of talking and so my mouth was open and my hands were "speaking" as well. I think I look kinda funny, but oh well. I've never been very photogenic.

After the forum the High School had their Fall Choir Concert. Cameron, my oldest, is in Jazzco (performing madrigal choir) and Symphonic Choir. They did a great job! I was definitely a proud mom -- video-taped all of Cam's performances. He is a very talented and well-rounded teenager. I wish I could take all the credit, but really most goes to him. He is just a good kid with a good soul, and I was lucky to get him. He turns 15 in a couple weeks and will be getting his learners permit. I keep wondering where the time goes. I still have vivid memories of high school and feel like it hasn't been that long since I left. I remember my mom telling me the same thing once when I was in high school. It was one of the few times I recall thinking that my mom was foolish. I use to think I knew it all. Now I realize we are all fools trying to do our best to figure life out.

So I spoke with a good friend tonight who has a son who is having some incontinence (pooping) issues. She actually asked me if I had ever experienced that with any of my boys (she obviously hasn't read my blog!) We had a good chat. It's always good to talk to those who are having (or have had) the same experiences as you. It helps to feel not so alone. I truly believe there is so much that we don't talk about as women because we are such private people, and feel that there is shame that comes with the realization that we are not perfect parents and our kids are not perfect either. Why that is, I am not sure. Because I really believe that we all are more alike than we realize and that if we compared experiences that we would recognize that even though our struggles may be different we are all hoping for the same outcome, to be a good person/parent and to raise successful & happy kids. It really has been very freeing for me to talk out my feelings in my blog, and I am grateful that I decided to do this.

Oh Deer!

So this morning I hit a deer. Thank heavens I was driving the Expedition. Deer frequent our small Wyoming town, especially in the fall. Well, I was driving through town and was, luckily, going slow. Two big dogs chased the deer into the road and right into my path. It was pretty freaky! I really was lucky I was going slow 'cause my airbag did not go off, nor was there major damge to the vehicle. It killed the deer though and really shook me up! I called Rob at the fire station and he came in the engine to calm me down and waited with me until the police came. It was quite the spectacle I am sure! Rob try to make light of the situation by saying that at least I hit a buck and that it was during hunting season. He probably would've gutted the thing and taken it home if given the chance.

A great day

I had a great day with Dalin yesterday. First off, he was just in a really good mood. He goes to preschool in the morning & afternoon, and comes home for an hour in between for lunch. We had a really fun lunch playing games and tickling. He was constantly laughing. I love his laugh! We played hide and seek. We hid under the blankets of the bed every time. Even though he knew exactly where I was hiding, he was so good at pretending he didn't know where I was. Few kids with Autism have good "pretend play" skills. That is something we have really worked on with Dalin the last year and he has made great strides. He also loves it when I pretend to be asleep, and he yells, "wake up" and then I jump up, grab him and tickle him. Anyways, we had a wonderful time. Also, Dalin stayed dry all day and then pooped on the toilet last night! I rewarded him with a bath right before bed – 2nd time for the day (he loves the water). He was in such a good mood all day and when he went to bed. What a fabulous day!

Potty Training

If someone had told me years ago that I would still be potty training one of my children at age 5, I would have never believed them. But here we are! Dal started pooping in the toilet last spring. I must admit that even though he has been fairly consistent he has still had his moments. His accidents usually occur at the worst times and places -- like on vacation at the swimming pool. So we tried doing the peeing thing, but hadn't been very successful. The main reason is because Dalin has sensory issues and has refused to wear underwear. When we tried to make him wear them he would just scream, "Where's my pull-up!" Well, last Tuesday, Oct. 7th, we made a huge break-through. Dalin's occupational therapist suggested that we send his underwear to school and that she would try to get them on him during therapy. Well, she succeeded! I couldn't believe it when he came home from school in underwear. He has been wearing underwear ever since. It has gone fairly well for the most part. That is until this weekend. I went out of town for a state school board meeting. Rob & the boys came to stay with me at the hotel Thurs. night because there was no school yesterday. Well, while Rob went to run some errands (Home Depot), I took the kids to the park. And it happened. Dalin pooped in his underwear. And then he put his hands down the back of his pants. And there was no bathroom at the park and I didn't have wipes or anything with me. So I had to take him back covered in crap to the hotel room. I stripped him down in the shower and got it on on me in the process. He was so covered, I just through all his clothes in a garbage bag and sent them directly to the dumpster. I tried to laugh to keep from crying, but honestly it just wasn't happening. At least I didn't cry either. I think I am too numb to all the "crap" that comes along with being the mom of an Autistic child. Don't get me wrong...I love my son more than I could ever explain. But I just want to be able to fix everything for him, give him a "normal" life - if there is such a thing!

Where to start....

I can't sleep tonight -- I have lots on my mind. I was just reading the blog of a friend who after 10 years of marriage is going through a divorce after her husband came out of the closet that he was gay. As I read through her blog, tears came to my eyes -- I realized the tears were not only for her pain but also because I envied how open she was about her anger, her fears and her disappointment (and also her joys). So Kim, thanks to you I've decided to start this blog. You've inspired me to share my story in hopes that if nothing else, that as I look back on past posts, I'll be inspired to try harder, to do better, to worry less and to love more.