Movie Mania

Like many kids with Autism, Dalin uses echolalia. For those unfamiliar, it is when they continuously repeat lines from movies or TV shows. Dalin's latest craze is Wall-E. I finally watched it with him last night. It was a pretty cute show. Dalin even made a Lego figure Wall-E. I know that echolalia can be irritating for some, but I am just happy when Dalin communicates, even if he is just repeating movie lines.

My Sweetheart

I haven't posted any pictures to this blog, because I have another blog that is dedicated to family photos & events. But when I saw this photo I knew I needed to post it.

Snowed In

It has been a very busy past couple of weeks. With all the Christmas concerts, holiday parties and what not, I haven't had a chance to slow down and write. Today was another crazy day - wrapping presents, school parties, packing, cleaning house, delivering gifts & treats to friends and neighbors. Remarkably I had most everything done (except for the spotless clean house - as if!?) and had the kids piled in the Expedition shortly after they got home from school. We drove a short distance down the road to fill up with gas. While Rob was in paying, the blizzard hit. We knew it was coming, but it was a few hours earlier than expected. We drove to the freeway and decided to drive to the next exit just to get the lay of the land. It was awful! A total white-out - couldn't see a thing. So we went to McDonald's, grabbed an early dinner, stopped by the library to pick up some movies and came back home. Rob's upstairs watching "Fred Claus" with the kids, and I am having some down time at the computer. I sincerely hope the weather gets better so we can travel tomorrow. We need to get Cameron (my oldest) on an airplane so he can get to Vegas to spend Christmas with his dad (and the amazing snow there - who would've thought?!) Anyways, we are all praying hard that we'll make it to SLC this weekend! In case I don't get the chance to blog again before the special day - MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Priorities

Today I had two sick kids home from school. It was a good opportunity for me to stop and take inventory of my life. I had a lot going on today -- a work presentation at noon, court at 4:30 and a Christmas Party at 6:00. All of those items seemed very important the day before, while attempting to plan out my week and wondering how I'd get all my tasks accomplished while trying to fit in all my “important” meetings. But sick kids cause everything else to take a back seat. It was a good reminder of what really is most important in life -- and that is my family. I made myself a promise today to take a hard look at my priorities more often to ensure they are in balance with what really matters.

Dalin's Christmas Program

Dalin's preschool had their Christmas Program last Tuesday night. Dalin was a little nervous when we first got there and he saw all the people. His clung to me and would not let go. It took some coaxing, but his aide finally convinced him to line up with his class. When he got up on stage and the kids started singing he was just mesmerized by it all.Even though we had practiced the songs at home and he knew them fairly well, I don't think he sang a single word. He just stood there and stared at the crowd with a huge smile on his face.When the audience started clapping at the end of the performance, he started bowing and yelling out, "thank you, thank you, very much". The people on the front row started laughing cause they thought it was so cute. One of the men even yelled out "your welcome, your welcome, very much!" It was a great night to see him interacting with not only the the kids but also the crowd -- and having such a good time!

The passing of a great man

Joseph B. Wirthlin, Apostle of the Lord Jesus Christ, passed away last night. As I pondered the legacy of this man, I thought of the joyous reception he must of received as he passed from this life to the next. He truly was a great man and lead by example. His humble words of wisdom touched many lives. His most recent conference talk is one of my favorites. As I read his words, I felt he was speaking directly to me. I later wrote about the insights I received from his inspired counsel.Here is a link to the post: http://4boys-1dayatatime.blogspot.com/2008/10/come-what-may-and-love-it.html

Below is his talk in full.


Come What May, and Love It

Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin
Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

The way we react to adversity can be a major factor in how happy and successful we can be in life.

When I was young I loved playing sports, and I have many fond memories of those days. But not all of them are pleasant. I remember one day after my football team lost a tough game, I came home feeling discouraged. My mother was there. She listened to my sad story. She taught her children to trust in themselves and each other, not blame others for their misfortunes, and give their best effort in everything they attempted.

When we fell down, she expected us to pick ourselves up and get going again. So the advice my mother gave to me then wasn’t altogether unexpected. It has stayed with me all my life.

“Joseph,” she said, “come what may, and love it.”

I have often reflected on that counsel.

I think she may have meant that every life has peaks and shadows and times when it seems that the birds don’t sing and bells don’t ring. Yet in spite of discouragement and adversity, those who are happiest seem to have a way of learning from difficult times, becoming stronger, wiser, and happier as a result.

There may be some who think that General Authorities rarely experience pain, suffering, or distress. If only that were true. While every man and woman on this stand today has experienced an abundant measure of joy, each also has drunk deeply from the cup of disappointment, sorrow, and loss. The Lord in His wisdom does not shield anyone from grief or sadness.

For me, the Lord has opened the windows of heaven and showered blessings upon my family beyond my ability to express. Yet like everyone else, I have had times in my life when it seemed that the heaviness of my heart might be greater than I could bear. During those times I think back to those tender days of my youth when great sorrows came at the losing end of a football game.

How little I knew then of what awaited me in later years. But whenever my steps led through seasons of sadness and sorrow, my mother’s words often came back to me: “Come what may, and love it.”

How can we love days that are filled with sorrow? We can’t—at least not in the moment. I don’t think my mother was suggesting that we suppress discouragement or deny the reality of pain. I don’t think she was suggesting that we smother unpleasant truths beneath a cloak of pretended happiness. But I do believe that the way we react to adversity can be a major factor in how happy and successful we can be in life.

If we approach adversities wisely, our hardest times can be times of greatest growth, which in turn can lead toward times of greatest happiness.

Over the years I have learned a few things that have helped me through times of testing and trial. I would like to share them with you.

Learn to Laugh

The first thing we can do is learn to laugh. Have you ever seen an angry driver who, when someone else makes a mistake, reacts as though that person has insulted his honor, his family, his dog, and his ancestors all the way back to Adam? Or have you had an encounter with an overhanging cupboard door left open at the wrong place and the wrong time which has been cursed, condemned, and avenged by a sore-headed victim?

There is an antidote for times such as these: learn to laugh.

I remember loading up our children in a station wagon and driving to Los Angeles. There were at least nine of us in the car, and we would invariably get lost. Instead of getting angry, we laughed. Every time we made a wrong turn, we laughed harder.

Getting lost was not an unusual occurrence for us. Once while heading south to Cedar City, Utah, we took a wrong turn and didn’t realize it until two hours later when we saw the “Welcome to Nevada” signs. We didn’t get angry. We laughed, and as a result, anger and resentment rarely resulted. Our laughter created cherished memories for us.

I remember when one of our daughters went on a blind date. She was all dressed up and waiting for her date to arrive when the doorbell rang. In walked a man who seemed a little old, but she tried to be polite. She introduced him to me and my wife and the other children; then she put on her coat and went out the door. We watched as she got into the car, but the car didn’t move. Eventually our daughter got out of the car and, red faced, ran back into the house. The man that she thought was her blind date had actually come to pick up another of our daughters who had agreed to be a babysitter for him and his wife.

We all had a good laugh over that. In fact, we couldn’t stop laughing. Later, when our daughter’s real blind date showed up, I couldn’t come out to meet him because I was still in the kitchen laughing. Now I realize that our daughter could have felt humiliated and embarrassed. But she laughed with us, and as a result, we still laugh about it today.

The next time you’re tempted to groan, you might try to laugh instead. It will extend your life and make the lives of all those around you more enjoyable.

Seek for the Eternal

The second thing we can do is seek for the eternal. You may feel singled out when adversity enters your life. You shake your head and wonder, “Why me?”

But the dial on the wheel of sorrow eventually points to each of us. At one time or another, everyone must experience sorrow. No one is exempt.

I love the scriptures because they show examples of great and noble men and women such as Abraham, Sarah, Enoch, Moses, Joseph, Emma, and Brigham. Each of them experienced adversity and sorrow that tried, fortified, and refined their characters.

Learning to endure times of disappointment, suffering, and sorrow is part of our on-the-job training. These experiences, while often difficult to bear at the time, are precisely the kinds of experiences that stretch our understanding, build our character, and increase our compassion for others.

Because Jesus Christ suffered greatly, He understands our suffering. He understands our grief. We experience hard things so that we too may have increased compassion and understanding for others.

Remember the sublime words of the Savior to the Prophet Joseph Smith when he suffered with his companions in the smothering darkness of Liberty Jail: “My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;

“And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.”1

With that eternal perspective, Joseph took comfort from these words, and so can we. Sometimes the very moments that seem to overcome us with suffering are those that will ultimately suffer us to overcome.

The Principle of Compensation

The third thing we can do is understand the principle of compensation. The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude.

One of the blessings of the gospel is the knowledge that when the curtain of death signals the end of our mortal lives, life will continue on the other side of the veil. There we will be given new opportunities. Not even death can take from us the eternal blessings promised by a loving Heavenly Father.

Because Heavenly Father is merciful, a principle of compensation prevails. I have seen this in my own life. My grandson Joseph has autism. It has been heartbreaking for his mother and father to come to grips with the implications of this affliction.

They knew that Joseph would probably never be like other children. They understood what that would mean not only for Joseph but for the family as well. But what a joy he has been to us. Autistic children often have a difficult time showing emotion, but every time I’m with him, Joseph gives me a big hug. While there have been challenges, he has filled our lives with joy.

His parents have encouraged him to participate in sports. When he first started playing baseball, he was in the outfield. But I don’t think he grasped the need to run after loose balls. He thought of a much more efficient way to play the game. When a ball was hit in his direction, Joseph watched it go by and then pulled another baseball out of his pocket and threw that one to the pitcher.

Any reservations that his family may have had in raising Joseph, any sacrifices they have made have been compensated tenfold. Because of this choice spirit, his mother and father have learned much about children with disabilities. They have witnessed firsthand the generosity and compassion of family, neighbors, and friends. They have rejoiced together as Joseph has progressed. They have marveled at his goodness.

Trust in the Father and the Son

The fourth thing we can do is put our trust in our Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ.

“God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son.”2 The Lord Jesus Christ is our partner, helper, and advocate. He wants us to be happy. He wants us to be successful. If we do our part, He will step in.

He who descended below all things will come to our aid. He will comfort and uphold us. He will strengthen us in our weakness and fortify us in our distress. He will make weak things become strong.3

One of our daughters, after giving birth to a baby, became seriously ill. We prayed for her, administered to her, and supported her as best we could. We hoped she would receive a blessing of healing, but days turned into months, and months turned into years. At one point I told her that this affliction might be something she would have to struggle with the rest of her life.

One morning I remember pulling out a small card and threading it through my typewriter. Among the words that I typed for her were these: “The simple secret is this: put your trust in the Lord, do your best, then leave the rest to Him.”

She did put her trust in God. But her affliction did not disappear. For years she suffered, but in due course, the Lord blessed her, and eventually she returned to health.

Knowing this daughter, I believe that even if she had never found relief, yet she would have trusted in her Heavenly Father and “[left] the rest to Him.”

Conclusion

Although my mother has long since passed to her eternal reward, her words are always with me. I still remember her advice to me given on that day long ago when my team lost a football game: “Come what may, and love it.”

I know why there must be opposition in all things. Adversity, if handled correctly, can be a blessing in our lives. We can learn to love it.

As we look for humor, seek for the eternal perspective, understand the principle of compensation, and draw near to our Heavenly Father, we can endure hardship and trial. We can say, as did my mother, “Come what may, and love it.” Of this I testify in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Sleepless in Wyoming

This is exactly how I felt as I dragged myself out of bed this morning

I haven't been sleeping well the past couple of nights. I have been having bad nightmares for three nights in a row now. Nightmares are not new to me. But it has been quite a while since I have had one. And having them 3 nights in a row has thrown me for a loop. Nightmares are usually a sign of a major change in my life. I usually get them worst when I am pregnant, especially in my first trimester. I also got them bad when I went through my divorce (more than a decade ago), when Rob moved to Wyoming and I was alone with the kids for 4 months (3 years ago), and for a short while after a got my foster son [(1 1/2 years ago) - I'll have to share that story at another time]. Other than those time periods bad dreams have been rare and random. Since I am on the Depo shot and have an appt tomorrow for my next scheduled shot, it's highly unlikely that I am pregnant. I also am not going through any major change in my life unless I am going through THE CHANGE. I am guessing that since I am getting older (36 1/2 now), that maybe my hormones are changing and that is the cause. My migraines have increased in the last couple months as well, and they usually increase when I am pregnant or on my cycle.

Honestly I'm really in need of a hysterectomy, but have continually put it off because there never seems to be a good time to get it done. I am one really busy person and I can’t imagine purposefully being down and out for any length of time. I am certain my house would fall apart in the duration (not that it isn’t on the verge already). Plus the Depo shot (thus resulting in no monthly bleeding) has seemed to help manage most of my female issues that prescribe a hysterectomy. I have polycystic ovarian disease, so it is highly unlikely for me to just get a partial. It seems that it is an all or nothing choice. Even though I know I am done having kids, I am also not sure I like the idea of disposing of my female organs. I fear that the issues that come with it might be worse than what I suffer with now. So the fear of the unknown will probably keep my hanging onto my parts as long as I can tolerate. I am digressing and am sure that I have shared more information that anyone reading this probably wanted to know.

So back to the dreams… if it is not hormones, I guess it could just be from all the stress I have been experiencing lately with school board issues & the new biomedical path we are exploring with Dalin’s Autism. Who knows. All I know is I need a good nights sleep. I've thought of sneaking in a nap this afternoon but am afraid to go to sleep because of what may be waiting for me in my dreams. Maybe I’ll schedule an appt for a massage for this afternoon and see if that will help.I usually drift off to sleep when I get a massage and can't imagine any bad vibes coming my way for the duration.

A wonderful week

What a great week! We left for Salt Lake City on Monday after the kids got out of school. We got in about 9:00pm. We had a very busy week. Tuesday morning I went and pampered myself with a facial and hot stone treatment and then went to lunch with Cam and Rob.

Tuesday afternoon Rob and I took Dalin down to see a new doctor in Provo. His name is Dr. Voss and he specializes in treating kids with Autism. One of my co-workers, Karen (who works out of the corporate office), has a little boy with Autism and recommended him to me. She said that she has seen significant progress in the last year since he starting seeing Dr. Voss. Dr. Voss specializes in “alternative medicine” so he is not covered by our insurance. I admit I am one of those individuals who are very skeptical about holistic and alternative medicine. All through the visit I had to keep telling myself to keep an open mind. But it was very hard, especially when we paid the $275 bill. But I feel like I need to try everything we can for our little guy. I just hope that in a year from now I am enthusiastic about him as Karen is. The next step is to have a bunch of lab work done: blood and urine. I don’t do well with bodily fluids, especially blood, or needles. I am not looking forward to this undertaking. I am a wimpy mom when it means subjecting my kids to pain.

Wednesday was family pictures. Rob listed it as one of his happy moments of the trip (we all discussed our happy moments on the 4 ½ hr drive home). Rob is such a good man. I am glad that he was able to see it as a happy time when I mostly remember Dalin’s meltdown and tears. I am excited to see the pictures though. It has been 3 years since we have had a family picture taken professionally. We also got pictures taken of each one of us. I am excited to see how they turned out!

Thursday was Thanksgiving and was a great day of wonderful food and great moments spent with family. My family got together for brunch. We had stuffed French toast, sausage and bacon. Yummy! Then we had dinner with Rob’s family with all the traditional fixins. I admit that I love to eat and what a better excuse to do a lot of it then on Thanksgiving Day!

I went to breakfast this morning with one of my best girlfriends, Angie. I love her! We have known each other since 4th grade and have been best of friends since 8th grade. We are so different in so many ways, but she is such a great listener. I can’t tell you how many times we have laughed and cried together. We talked about my blog and the other blogs that I have been following that inspire me so much. I am so grateful for Kim, Leslie & Stephanie and for their strength. When I am having a really bad day I seem to gravitate to the computer to see what they have written and they always seem to inspire me to try harder and love more. It’s also a great way to quickly end any pity party I may have indulged myself in. A wise person once said that if you took everyone around you and you all threw your problems and sorrows in a pile, and you got to choose from that pile, you would ultimately pick your own. And while I admit to on more than one occasion to having asked Heavenly Father to take away my tribulations, I must admit that I wouldn’t trade mine for anyone else’s.

I spent a short time with some family members today as well. I hadn’t seen them since my grandmother’s funeral in September. They are dealing with some challenges of their own. I started to cry the moment we hugged. I hadn’t had a good cry in a long time, so the tears flowed freely. I love my family dearly. It is hard to see those you love and know the sorrow that fills their life. I am so grateful for the gospel and the peace it brings to me in my times of deepest sorrow. It is hard to watch the suffering those who do not have that same knowledge, knowing if they would just turn to the Lord, their burden would be lifted.

On the drive home we talked about the all the happy moments we experienced while being in Utah. Then we listed to October’s conference talks (we listened on the way to Utah as well). I love listening to conference. I am so grateful for modern-day prophets. They always seem to know what I need to hear. It’s good to know that their inspired words are for meant for the whole earth’s population – it’s comforting to that there are millions of good people who are experiencing many of my same struggles.

On this Thanksgiving weekend, I want to thank all those who read my blog. I don’t get a lot of comments, so sometimes I wonder if I this is more than self-therapy (which, I must say is worth every bit of my time because I learn a lot from re-reading my own past blogs). But lately there have been those who have emailed me letting me know that they have been following my blog. I appreciate you and you words of encouragement!

Giving Thanks

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday of the year. I love it because it is a time to spend with those you love, eat great food and a time to ponder on all the wonderful blessings we enjoy. I wanted to take the time to list some of the many things I am thankful for:

• My Savior, Jesus Christ, and his restored gospel
• My husband - we have been married ten years now and I am grateful to know he will be mine for eternity.
• My children - as I think of each one of my boys and their own unique personalities, I can’t help but smile. They truly are the joy of my life!
• My family - my mom & her husband; my dad; and my siblings & their families
• Rob’s family – his parents, sisters & family
• Extended family – I have been blessed with wonderful grandparents and so many aunts, uncles and cousins
• My friends – I am blessed to have so many friends, some of whom I’ve been friends with since I was a young girl
• My home – it is my little bit of heaven on earth
• Living in the U.S. and all the freedoms we enjoy
• So many more blessings there are too many to count…

Christmas Tree

I just returned today from a 3-day school board conference in Casper. Casper has real stores. We do not have real stores in my small town. No mall, no Wal-Mart, no Target, not even a Kmart. It usually doesn’t bother me because I am not much of a shopper. But when I want something I usually want it right then, and the closest Wal-Mart is 1 ½ hours away. Anyways, while I was in Casper, I went shopping to Hobby Lobby. I must admit I love that store! I have to be careful while I am there or I could get out of control.

Last year Rob bought us a new Christmas tree from Dillards at their after Christmas sale. We have really high ceilings in our house so he bought a 9’ tree. Well, Hobby Lobby had all their Christmas ornaments on sale at 50% off, so I bought lots. As soon as I got home from our trip I decided to put up the tree. It took a few hours, but it felt so good doing it. And I am so happy because the tree looks beautiful!

This is the first year in a long time that I have had real ornaments on my tree. Don’t worry - I bought all plastic and “shatter-proof” ornaments. In years past we just decorated our tree with teddy bears because Dalin had broken a lot of our ornaments and I had thrown all our glass ones away. Today, I had Dalin help me decorate our new tree in hopes it would help him take ownership in it. I am hoping that he will enjoy looking at the tree, remember how much fun we had decorating it and somehow not feel the desire to destroy it.

Homesick

Have you ever been home in your own house and yet felt homesick? Every once in a while I'll have a day when I feel an overwhelming sense of homesickness. Even though I've lived in Wyoming for over 2 1/2 years, there are days when I really miss my home in good old Murray, Utah. When Rob and I married, we bought the house that I had grown up in. We lived there for over 7 years before moving here. We had a lot of good times in that home. And sometimes I really miss it. I miss having my family living so close -- my mom, my in-laws, my brother and his family, my sister and her family and my sister-in-law all live in Murray. Two of my best friends, Angie & Kris live in Murray as well. So I guess you could say I miss the people and the place. In one week we'll be heading to Utah for Thanksgiving. And even though we'll be staying with my in-laws, it's just not the same. It's hard to stay with people (even family) because of all of Dalin's issues. I have a hard time relaxing because I'm always worried about him breaking something, flooding the bathroom, or drawing on the furniture, etc (all incidents listed have happened and more). I just wish that when we visit home (Murray) we could go home, back to our old house and that it would be just as it was before we moved. My kids tell me the same thing all the time. Almost every visit we take a trip to Utah we drive past our old house and reminisce. Some happy memories from our house in Murray:

• Rob’s and my first night in the house after we got married and Cameron (then 4 ½) kissing us goodnight. And then as he is about to shut the door to our bedroom telling us that he will leave the door open a crack so we can have “a little light to hug and kiss”.
• Bringing Brenner, Drew and Dalin each home from the hospital after they were born.
• Our big back yard where we loved to jump on the tramp, swing on the swing-set, gather pumpkins from our pumpkin patch and play in the snow.
• Our big tree in the front yard -- swinging on the long rope swing that hung from its branches, laying in its shade in the summer and playing in the huge pile of leaves it produced every autumn.
• Many wonderful memories of birthdays, Christmases and other holidays celebrated there.

Maybe someday we will leave our small WY town for a new home. And perhaps I will experience the same homesick feeling for this place. Many happy memories have been made in the few short years we have lived here as well. It's strange the places life takes you (I've lived in UT, ID, CA & WY). For now, I'm grateful that no matter where home is, I have the love of my husband, my children and especially my Father in Heaven.

A good cry

I am really in need of a good cry. I swear my tear ducts don't work properly. A few tears leaked Tuesday night when I gave a talk at a church meeting, but last night I was so upset and the tears wouldn't come. I believe crying can be a good way to get rid of all the pent up frustrations. It's like when you have an upset stomach and you think if you could just throw-up you'd feel lots better. Well that is how I felt last night, but it just wasn't happening. The tears wouldn't come. I was raised with brothers, and crying just made the teasing worse. So I learned early to hold the tears back. Unfortunately, now I can't cry even when I really want to.

Last night we had a school board meeting. I can't get into all of the details because the events that upset me so much happened in Executive Session, which means that everything discussed is confidential. I can't even discuss the details with my husband. I think that is what makes it even harder, not being able to talk through it all, having to keep it inside. Anyways, it is difficult because every time I feel like we are making some headway, something major happens and I feel we are back to ground zero. Last night it was multiple major things. And the discussions got pretty heated. We had to vote on one of the items and the vote was 4 to 3. I was one of the 3.

All I can say is that because of things that happened last night we may lose some really good administrators in our district and we have struggled to just get them here. And I feel so passionate about it because one of those administrators is the new Special Ed Director. I was part of the hiring committee. This time of year is usually not good for hiring, but we were lucky to get an excellent candidate. After we offered her the job, I prayed all week that she would accept. She accepted but is moving from out of state and was planning to move in a couple weeks. She isn't even here yet, and now based on decisions made by other members of the board she may decide now not come. And our other options for her replacement are not good. Our overturn is so high and yet many of the board members continue to think it is a flaw in the individual rather than looking at themselves and our district and asking, "What is it that we are doing wrong that we continuously have good people leaving the district?"

We have been really blessed with those who have worked with Dalin. He is in a wonderful pre-school program where he is loved by all those who work with him. He has made such great progress in the last 3 years. I just want the same for him when he enters kindergarten next year. The school district currently has such limited services and I worry that he will fall through the cracks. I guess all I can do is pray and have faith that everything will work out okay. May God continue to smile on us.

Breathe

I have been so crazy busy the last couple weeks. I have had barely a chance to just stop and breathe. I remember back when I was a new mom to my oldest son. I remember days of boredom and trying to find things to keep myself busy. There are times when I long for a day like that. I guess it is our natural tendency to always want what we don't have. Don't get me wrong, I love my life. But sometimes, I just get so exhausted -- the kind of exhaustion that goes deep down into your bones. I admit that I bring most of it upon myself with all the things I am involved in. It's funny that there are times that I still have guilt, feeling like I need to be doing more.

Some items on my happy list from the last 2 weeks:

• Oct. 30 - I got a letter stating that I had been chosen as one of the "New Movers and Shakers" of the community, and was invited to an "Estrogen Power Lunch". There are about 20 women who the committee chose as those who have "had a positive impact on Carbon County" who they want to get together to help decide "where we go next" as a community. The letter lists all the women chosen and I feel honored to have been designated part of such an awesome group!
• Oct 31 - Halloween - Brenner was Harry Potter, Drew was a pirate and Dalin was a Lion - we had so much fun!
• Nov 1 - A full-page article in our local newspaper about the school-based program I am implementing in one of our elementary schools with my job at Big Brothers Big Sisters.
• Nov. 4 - Elections - I was re-elected as a school board member. (Cant' say anymore about elections, or it won't count as part of my happy list)
• Nov. 5 - Cameron's birthday! He turned 15 (boy am I getting old!) He also passed his Driver's Ed test and got his learners permit. Now he wants to drive every chance he can get.
• Nov. 6 - Cameron got Student of the Month back in September. Then he got Student of the Week for the first week of November. The high school recognizes one student in each of the 4 grades. There are 120 kids in Cameron's freshman class. The principal told Cameron that the bad news was that you can only be recognized as Student of the Week and Student of the Month 1x each year.
• Nov. 7 - Family day in Laramie. The kids had the day off school due to PT conf. We went to the children's museum and swimming at the rec center and out to dinner. We had a fabulous day!
• Nov. 9 - Stake Conference. It was a live broadcast from the confernce center for 50+ stakes in CO, WY & MT. Elder Hales & Pres. Eyring spoke and it was awesome! I definitely needed the spiritual rejuvenation!
• And the most notable... Dalin has stayed dry for the last two weeks. No pooping or peeing accidents (yes, I am knocking on wood) -- YAY! :)

Some needed sunshine

Dalin doesn't go to school on Wednesdays. Rob and Cameron have been in North Dakota since Saturday, and I have been playing single mom. I do not envy those of you who do it on a regular basis. Anyways, I needed some sunshine (it was an unseasonably warm day -- 65 degrees). So I took Dalin to the park. Dalin immediately headed for the swings. He loves to swing! There is a glider-type swing there and he can work it himself. He was on that swing for almost 45 minutes. He was vocally stimming the whole time. There were a few kids at the park. Dalin got some annoyed looks, but he didn't notice (so I tried not to take notice either). He was having a great time! I watched as the other children at the park played together and momentarily wished that Dalin would break away from his swing and go and play with them. But that was my want, not his. He is happy to be doing his own thing. And so I tell myself that as long as he is happy, that is all that matters. When he eventually got off the swing he went and played on the slide. He gathered up a bunch of pinecones and carried them to the top and then threw them down the slide. He sat and laughed and then went down the slide after them. Then he gathered them up again and headed to the top of the slide to start the process all over. I lost count after a half-dozen times of this ritual. I can't believe the things that entertain that child. I wish I could be entertained so easily. When he finally got bored, he headed back for the swings. This time though he got on a regular swing. Dalin hasn't figured out how to pump. We have tried to teach him but he gets too impatient. So, he yelled, "Mom, come push!" I was glad to realize that he noticed that I was still there. Sometimes I think he forgets about me and the rest of the world around him. Anyways, I went over and pushed him for a while – from the front, not the behind, so I could see his face and he could see mine. I asked him questions to get him to focus on me. He answered less than half and not all were coherent, but I was grateful for the few I understood. I think he would have stayed on the swing longer if it had not been for my pestering questions. Dalin tires quickly of idle chit-chat ;). He was soon ready to head for home -- he said he was hungry and needed a snack. As I loaded him in the truck I noticed sand around his mouth. I realized that he had already had a healthy helping of sand. I've given up on trying to keep him from putting the sand in his mouth. It is a regular occurrence when we go to the park. I figure if it hasn't killed him yet... Plus, as the saying goes, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. I really have a lot to learn from him.

Second Chances

I tried to go to bed early tonight. I have been so exhausted all week. Rob and Cameron left yesterday morning to go pheasant hunting in North Dakota. They went with my in-laws (the men anyways). I was scrambling to have my house clean for their arrival and overnight stay (they arrived Friday afternoon). I am not the best housekeeper, but my mother-in-law’s and sister-in-law’s homes are both immaculately clean. I don’t know why I always feel I need to “measure up”. Although my house is cluttered, it is sanitary and I tell myself that time with my kids is better spent than time cleaning house. Anyways, for some reason I practically kill myself trying to clean up in preparation for their arrival. And the sad part is that my house still doesn’t ever get clean enough to really “measure up”. Sometimes I think I could spend a whole month doing nothing but cleaning my house, and I would still not be able to get rid of all the clutter.

I’m regressing. So my kids are in bed, and I thought I'd do the same. But sleep is/was evading me. Sometimes it seems no matter how exhausted my body is I can’t get my brain to turn off. And tonight has been one of those nights. I had an experience at church today that keeps replaying in my mind. I hadn’t planned on sharing. But I’m convinced I will never get to sleep until I get it out, so here goes……

It all began 5 weeks ago. It was the Sunday before the Primary Program. It was our first real walk-through. We had practiced the songs and sent the parts home with the kids, but had not had the kids practice their parts yet in church. I swear the parents had all given their kids a dose of caffeine that morning. Then 5 of my primary teachers did not show up for primary (some didn’t come to church at all and others left right after sacrament meeting). I guess they felt that since we weren’t having class (we were practice for the full 2 hours) they didn’t need to be there. Anyways, the adults were seriously outnumbered, and I was feeling overwhelmed. Not too far into the practice I noticed a young boy sitting at the back. He was a visitor, but I recognized him. He had been at a baptism the night before. He was making some loud incoherent noises. "He has Autism," my slow brain was registering. I realized that it had gotten quiet around me. I glanced down to see that in the process of my preoccupation, I had halted the program. All the kids and teachers were looking at me very confused. I tried to relocate my place and get things going again, but I kept finding myself very distracted by this boy and his continued vocalizations. His “stimming” continued throughout the rest of the practice. I am not sure if it really got louder or not, but I can say that in my mind it did. At one point the senior primary came up to the front to sing. He came with them. He tripped over something and came crashing into me. He started to cry. I couldn’t handle it. I felt like I was in a bad dream. Maybe I was having a panic attack, I don’t know. I felt like bolting out of the room. I asked for someone to take him to his parents. He cried even louder and said he didn’t want to leave. I remember feeling a sense of dread. I didn’t want him there anymore. I just wanted someone to take him away. Luckily, one of the Valiant teachers came to my rescue and took him back to his seat and comforted him.

Needless to say that I went home from church that day feeling very sick inside. I had just come face to face with my own son in a much larger body, and I couldn’t handle it. I freaked out! I did what I have always hoped would not ever happen to my son. I reacted to him with fear. I spent all afternoon obsessing, wondering if that really was how Dalin was going to be when he was 10. I kept wondering how I would be able to handle it. I kept thinking what a horrible mother and Primary President I was. I kept thinking about how disappointed God must be with me for the way I treated his child (even if most of it was in my mind). In general I’m not a crier. I was raised with brothers who would mock even a single tear, so I learned to hide my emotions (well, at least crying -- anger is another story). But I must admit I shed plenty of tears the night. Tears of regret for the day’s events and tears of fear for the future of my son.

Days passed and I slowly pushed it all to the back of my mind. Being a very busy person has its pros. One of them being that there is not a lot of time to think, because it takes all my brainpower to get the day's tasks accomplished. So, I had forgotten about our visitor. That is, until today. I was late getting to church. I woke up with a head cold, so I stayed in bed and skipped out on Sacrament meeting. At the break between Sunday school and RS & Priesthood, I went looking for the Bishop. I needed to talk to him about some changes that were being made to the primary. I walked into the chapel where opening exercises for Priesthood is held and there he was -- sitting next to his dad, smiling at me. I was caught off guard at first. But then I heard the spirit tell me that this was my second chance, and to do it right this time. I walked over to him and gave him my biggest smile. I told him how excited I was to see him back at church. I asked his dad if they were visiting. He said no, that they actually lived in our ward, but lived in a town 40 miles away, so it was difficult to make it to church. I learned that this precious boy’s name is Daniel. He held my hand the whole time I talked to him and his dad. At one point he took my hand and pressed it against his cheek. When he did it, the greatest feeling of love came over me. The spirit testified that Daniel is a beloved son of God. I knew in that moment that God had forgiven me and had given me a second chance. He was also teaching me. As my spirit recognized Daniel's, I understood that although he has physical limitations his spirit is greater than I can comprehend. It was an amazing and very humbling experience. I am grateful for a Father who continues to put his trust in me, even when I continue to falter, so that I may learn from my short-comings. God bless me to always remember the feelings of this day.

Well, I am going to bed now. I think I might actually be able to finally get some sleep :)

Come What May, and Love It

I hate to admit that I did not watch or listen to LDS General Conference this month. Living in a small town, we do not get the broadcast (mainly because we do not subscribe to cable or satellite TV). We can listen to it on the internet, and have during past conferences. But this year Rob had both Saturday and Sunday off work. And we didn't have the chance to get away for our 10 year anniversary in August. So we took an overnight trip out of town. We ordered the DVD's but they haven't come yet. Neither has the Ensign's conference edition. We downloaded all the conference talks on our iPod, but Rob is traveling and took it with him. I started reading some of the talks online, but have been so busy I haven't made it through many of them. Needless to say, I am just now uncovering some many needed words of comfort and admonishment that apply directly to my life. I read Joseph B. Wirthlin's talk today (thanks Kim for recommending it). It is titled, "Come What May, and Love It". The theme of his talk is: "The way we react to adversity can be a major factor in how happy and successful we can be in life." He says, "Over the years I have learned a few things that have helped me through times of testing and trial." I decided to take each of these concepts and apply them to my own life and learning. Here is what I uncovered:

1. Learn to Laugh. This is a concept that I used to really struggle with (and sometimes still do). I was a pretty serious and contemplative child. I don't remember spending much time laughing in my youth. I remember my mother telling me I needed to smile more. I remember telling her I didn't feel like smiling. She always told me if I forced my smile long enough it would eventually come naturally. The problem was, that in my attempts all I ever achieved was to (as Bro. Wirthlin puts it) “smother unpleasant truths beneath a cloak of pretended happiness.” I tried to appear happy on the outside, even though I felt like I was constantly crying on the inside. It took going through a divorce for me to really understand the concept of laughing it off. I realized that if I could not only smile or laugh when I felt bad about things, but truly make that smile or laugh a reality (by either thinking positively or humorously about the situation), that my life would be blessed by it. One of my favorite quotes is, "Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face." And being an expert on Winter (in Wyoming, it lasts as long as all the other seasons put together), I try to soak up all the sun I can get.

2. Seek for the Eternal. It is hard to not get caught up in the moment. Especially when the moment is so discouraging and/or painful. I must admit there have been too many times in my life when I have wondered, “Why me?” Yes, I was once a party girl - pity party that is. I finally hit the point where I could truly humble myself and pray. His answer? Well, first I recognized that some of my trials had been brought upon myself through foolish decisions that I and others around me had made. The rest were Heavenly Father’s way of refining my spirit. I confess that there are times when I tell the Lord I am tired of the refining process, and could use a break. But then he reminds me that my ways are not his ways, and that he has an eternal perspective whereas mine is not. I wish I were more humble, and not so stubborn, so that perhaps the refiners fire would not feel so hot at times.

3. The Principle of Compensation . I love this principle! I had no concept of this principle when I was young and always struggled to understand how God could be a fair God if everyone had different trials in this life. I was always comparing my trials to others and others trials to everyone elses. (My husband calls it score-keeping & he is very good at calling me on it when he sees me slip into my old ways). Anyways, it was again as I was going through my divorce that I starting to gain the understanding of the principle of compensation. As Joseph Wirthlin states, “The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss.” So then it makes sense that those who have more loss in their lives, and endure it faithfully will receive a greater compensation. I must admit though that if someone gave me the choice ahead of time, I would probably pick the easier path with less compensation. But that is due to my mortal weakness (and boy do I have lots of it). Now, when I am going through a difficult trial, I try to reflect on the glory of God’s mercy, his love and the principle of compensation.

4. Trust in the Father Some of my favorite quotes have to do with trusting our Father in Heaven. A few of them hang on the wall in my living room to help me remember (I need all the reminders I can get). The first is “Thank God for What You Have. Trust God for What You Need.” I’m not sure who said it, but I know they were speaking to me. I constantly struggle to put faith in God for the things I need. As I have said before, I am very stubborn. I am also somewhat of a control freak. If there is a problem, I want to tackle it head-on. Find a solution and take care of it. I have such a hard time when there isn’t a solution, at least not a temporal one. I am sure everything has a spiritual solution, but that usually means that I have to turn it over to God, and I struggle with that. Because that means waiting for him to work it out. And his timeline is not the same as mine. And so waiting takes patience. And patience is not one of my strong points. Another of my favorite quotes is by Abraham Lincoln. He said, “I have been driven many times upon my knees by the over-whelming conviction that I had no where else to go.” Over-whelmed is a word I know well. I wish I was a stronger person (spiritually). I find myself on my knees often asking for help, guidance and forgiveness. I find the temple to be a place of solace for me. It is a place of peace and a place where I can remember that I am Heavenly Father’s child, that he loves me and wants the best for me. It is the place where I most frequently rekindle my trust in Him.

I am grateful for Elder Wirthlin’s inspired counsel. For his reference to his grandson with Autism. For his love of the gospel and the Savior. But especially for the example of loving life, even in times of hardship and trial.

Epiphany

The following thoughts came to me after re-reading my most recent post:
It is very hard not to get overwhelmed by the present and to not worry about the future. The only way to remain positive is to just deal with Today. Ironically, Dalin is the best example on how to take things one day at a time. One of the gifts of his Autism is that he is always “in the moment”. Fifteen minutes ago is already forgotten. An hour from now is not even on his radar. He does not regret, and he does not worry. He is just happy to be jumping up and down (and breaking my things). Maybe he is trying to teach me that things are not what's important, that people are. Maybe his understanding of love is greater than I thought. Boy, I have a lot to learn! All this time I have worried about how to teach my son, and just maybe the reality is that God sent Dalin to teach me.

Search and Destroy

So I have been having a good week with Dalin. He has been in a surprisingly good mood most of the week. He's been pretty cooperative every morning getting ready for school and has overall just been a content child. Dalin goes to school 4 days a week. He is in school in the morning and afternoon and comes home for about an hour for lunch. Today when he came home for lunch he ate some yogurt and a grilled cheese sandwich. Then he took off to play (or so I thought, although maybe if I really looked closer perhaps it was play to him). Anyways, I was cleaning up from lunch when I heard crashing. Dalin and crashing are not a good combination. I ran into the living room to find that Dalin had taken three of Rob's porcelain collectors’ item figurines from the 2002 Winter Olympics and thrown them on the floor, breaking them into pieces. Rob had actually just pulled them out the night before. They had been in storage because for the longest time we didn't trust Dal with anything breakable. But I collect WillowTree figurines and have them displayed in my living room. Dalin has pretty much left them alone, so Rob felt like he could finally pull his out and put them on display. I guess we were wrong. The most frustrating part is trying to understand why Dalin does it. He was not angry at the time. In fact it almost seems that when he is destructive like that he is void of feeling. I don't know how to explain it. I told him what he did was not nice and put him in time out. He just gave me a blank look and asked for his "Gigi". My son still has a binky (pacifier, w/e you call it). He doesn't use it a lot, but uses it for comfort. I wouldn't let him have it. So he sat and bawled. Gave me the look like I was the meanest mom on the planet. Maybe I should've just given it to him, but I felt like I couldn't reward him with his binky when he was in trouble. So I let him sit and cry until the bus came (which was only 5 minutes). Sometimes I wonder if we will ever be able to own anything of value without constantly worrying that he will ruin it. He has ruined so many DVDs, glass objects, and things of importance to us. I call it "Search and Destroy". It's almost like a game. He searches out items of value that are breakable and then CRASH! Again, in a way though, I have become numb to it. Last week it was a lamp (glass everywhere), the week before that some Halloween decorations. I think if Rob had been here he would have been disappointed that I hadn't been harsher on Dalin. But what is the point?! Punishment never works on him. It doesn't change his behavior. We have tried time-outs, spanking, making him clean up the mess, taking favorite toys away -- you name it and we've tried it. But none of it has been effective on changing behavior. It's like he doesn't understand that it is a consequence for bad behavior. I'll try to have a conversation with him about it, but I may as well be talking to a brick wall. The thing that works best is redirection -- getting his attention on something else. But that is really only effective in the short-term. Because he eventually goes back to the bad behavior. I've taken so many parenting classes -- Love & Logic for one. But how do you use Love & Logic on a child who has no comprehension of either. Autistic children lack logic. I am lucky that my son shows affection, many Autistic children don’t. Rob told me he read an article written by Jenny McCarthy about how her Autistic son had a huge breakthrough and hugged her and how she wonders if it will ever happen again. Dalin will hug us and kiss us, but I don’t think he understands love. It is too much of a social concept and Dalin lacks any social sense. So.... Love & Logic is out the door. If anyone who happens to read this knows of a great book out there, one that actually has proven methods of how to effectively discipline an Autistic child, that ultimately results in changed behavior, I'd love to read it! I need all the help I can get!

Just some thoughts

Last night was a busy night. I am up for re-election for school board. I keep wondering why I am running again when it takes up so much of my time. But I feel that I am making a difference in the lives of my kids (and my friends’ kids) and so I guess I am signing up for another 4 years. Anyways, last night a forum was held for all the candidates. People from the community had the opportunity to come and ask questions. This morning I grabbed my small town newspaper to read while eating breakfast, and saw my own face staring back at me. There it was -- my picture on the front page. I was in the middle of talking and so my mouth was open and my hands were "speaking" as well. I think I look kinda funny, but oh well. I've never been very photogenic.

After the forum the High School had their Fall Choir Concert. Cameron, my oldest, is in Jazzco (performing madrigal choir) and Symphonic Choir. They did a great job! I was definitely a proud mom -- video-taped all of Cam's performances. He is a very talented and well-rounded teenager. I wish I could take all the credit, but really most goes to him. He is just a good kid with a good soul, and I was lucky to get him. He turns 15 in a couple weeks and will be getting his learners permit. I keep wondering where the time goes. I still have vivid memories of high school and feel like it hasn't been that long since I left. I remember my mom telling me the same thing once when I was in high school. It was one of the few times I recall thinking that my mom was foolish. I use to think I knew it all. Now I realize we are all fools trying to do our best to figure life out.

So I spoke with a good friend tonight who has a son who is having some incontinence (pooping) issues. She actually asked me if I had ever experienced that with any of my boys (she obviously hasn't read my blog!) We had a good chat. It's always good to talk to those who are having (or have had) the same experiences as you. It helps to feel not so alone. I truly believe there is so much that we don't talk about as women because we are such private people, and feel that there is shame that comes with the realization that we are not perfect parents and our kids are not perfect either. Why that is, I am not sure. Because I really believe that we all are more alike than we realize and that if we compared experiences that we would recognize that even though our struggles may be different we are all hoping for the same outcome, to be a good person/parent and to raise successful & happy kids. It really has been very freeing for me to talk out my feelings in my blog, and I am grateful that I decided to do this.

Oh Deer!

So this morning I hit a deer. Thank heavens I was driving the Expedition. Deer frequent our small Wyoming town, especially in the fall. Well, I was driving through town and was, luckily, going slow. Two big dogs chased the deer into the road and right into my path. It was pretty freaky! I really was lucky I was going slow 'cause my airbag did not go off, nor was there major damge to the vehicle. It killed the deer though and really shook me up! I called Rob at the fire station and he came in the engine to calm me down and waited with me until the police came. It was quite the spectacle I am sure! Rob try to make light of the situation by saying that at least I hit a buck and that it was during hunting season. He probably would've gutted the thing and taken it home if given the chance.

A great day

I had a great day with Dalin yesterday. First off, he was just in a really good mood. He goes to preschool in the morning & afternoon, and comes home for an hour in between for lunch. We had a really fun lunch playing games and tickling. He was constantly laughing. I love his laugh! We played hide and seek. We hid under the blankets of the bed every time. Even though he knew exactly where I was hiding, he was so good at pretending he didn't know where I was. Few kids with Autism have good "pretend play" skills. That is something we have really worked on with Dalin the last year and he has made great strides. He also loves it when I pretend to be asleep, and he yells, "wake up" and then I jump up, grab him and tickle him. Anyways, we had a wonderful time. Also, Dalin stayed dry all day and then pooped on the toilet last night! I rewarded him with a bath right before bed – 2nd time for the day (he loves the water). He was in such a good mood all day and when he went to bed. What a fabulous day!

Potty Training

If someone had told me years ago that I would still be potty training one of my children at age 5, I would have never believed them. But here we are! Dal started pooping in the toilet last spring. I must admit that even though he has been fairly consistent he has still had his moments. His accidents usually occur at the worst times and places -- like on vacation at the swimming pool. So we tried doing the peeing thing, but hadn't been very successful. The main reason is because Dalin has sensory issues and has refused to wear underwear. When we tried to make him wear them he would just scream, "Where's my pull-up!" Well, last Tuesday, Oct. 7th, we made a huge break-through. Dalin's occupational therapist suggested that we send his underwear to school and that she would try to get them on him during therapy. Well, she succeeded! I couldn't believe it when he came home from school in underwear. He has been wearing underwear ever since. It has gone fairly well for the most part. That is until this weekend. I went out of town for a state school board meeting. Rob & the boys came to stay with me at the hotel Thurs. night because there was no school yesterday. Well, while Rob went to run some errands (Home Depot), I took the kids to the park. And it happened. Dalin pooped in his underwear. And then he put his hands down the back of his pants. And there was no bathroom at the park and I didn't have wipes or anything with me. So I had to take him back covered in crap to the hotel room. I stripped him down in the shower and got it on on me in the process. He was so covered, I just through all his clothes in a garbage bag and sent them directly to the dumpster. I tried to laugh to keep from crying, but honestly it just wasn't happening. At least I didn't cry either. I think I am too numb to all the "crap" that comes along with being the mom of an Autistic child. Don't get me wrong...I love my son more than I could ever explain. But I just want to be able to fix everything for him, give him a "normal" life - if there is such a thing!

Where to start....

I can't sleep tonight -- I have lots on my mind. I was just reading the blog of a friend who after 10 years of marriage is going through a divorce after her husband came out of the closet that he was gay. As I read through her blog, tears came to my eyes -- I realized the tears were not only for her pain but also because I envied how open she was about her anger, her fears and her disappointment (and also her joys). So Kim, thanks to you I've decided to start this blog. You've inspired me to share my story in hopes that if nothing else, that as I look back on past posts, I'll be inspired to try harder, to do better, to worry less and to love more.